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13 April 2005 @ 11:19 am
Messed up life  
So I feel like everything is really messed up right now. I was invited to Andrew's nephews baptism this weekend and I want to go, but I know I shouldn't. I think I want to go because maybe I think that Andrew will want me back and whatever, but I know that's unlikely and I know not to get my hopes up, but I still do. At the sametime, I know I shouldn't go because I think it'll turn out like it did when we went to dinner and have me thinking back to when we were dating and all that shit. I'm so confused and torn. I know waht I need to do, I just don't want to do it. I miss having him in my life. he knows me better than just about anyone. But i know I can't have him in my life anymore because it hurts too much. he really messed me up when he broke up with me. Then there are the issues with Jordan. I like him a lot! but i don't feel like the relationship is right. I'm afraid to break up with him though because I'm afraid to be alone. Maybe I'm afraid i'll end up alone and having Jordan around makes me feel like it's not going to happen. But I do like him. or am i convincing myself that i like him so i don't wind up breaking up with him? I'm just afraid I'll regret breaking up with him if i do. Everything is going a million miles per hour in my head and it won't stop. Then there's the whole issue of me feeling like the world is spinning faster than I can handle. I've been skipping out on some of my responsiblities like going in to help with students in the morning, and hanging out with my little partner. it's not because of jordan, it's because i just don't do them. then when i don't do them, i regret it and i beat myself up. i don't know what's going on in my head. i wish i did.
 
 
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Current Music: The printers in Olin